I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
