Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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