woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
