She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
