Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
