I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
