I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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