I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
