You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just high enough for therapy.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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