It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
