saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
