Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
MIDGETS
????
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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