I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
