I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
