Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He shit in the fireplace
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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