And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
