It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
