hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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