Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
