You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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