New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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