he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
