K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
