I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol