John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle