so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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