Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
