I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
