Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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