You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
