Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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