Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
