I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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