Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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