We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my being single is dangerous.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
