I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.