I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
