Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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