i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
