Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
