My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
