my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
