highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
