I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
