About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
