The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
