I just saw a hot homeless man
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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