Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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