I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
