What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
