Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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