You just made me feel so damn special
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
