I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal