I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.