I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
