Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
