remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
