As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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