i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
