hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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